It became immediately apparent to senior executives of JP Morgan Chase upon their arrival at work Monday morning that their day would be different, when they were greeted in the boardroom by JP Morgan, who had been dead for the past 100 years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was no mistaking him, standing before his portrait: the massive shoulders, piercing eyes, enormous nose\u2014although his was purple with rosacea, clusters of pits and nodules no artist would paint if he expected to get paid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGentlemen,\u201d he grinned. \u201cI must have dozed off. And to awaken in such a wondrous era! This building made of glass! Flying vehicles overhead! Cronuts!\u201d he snapped off a huge bite, dusting his moustache with the flaky pastry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNow,\u201d his demeanor changed instantly, \u201cWhat the hell is going on here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou mean the \u2018London Whale\u2019 thing?\u201d one of the partners waved dismissively. \u201cRelax. We\u2019ll pay a fine, admit no wrongdoing. Business as usual.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHere\u2019s how I relax!\u201d Morgan boomed, grabbing the partner in a headlock and gleefully dropping him to his knees. \u201cWho else wants to join me in some manly wrestling?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The others backed off, sheepishly murmuring \u201cNot me! \/ I\u2019m cool. \/ All good here!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBesides besmirching my good name,\u201d he glared, \u201cYou gentlemen lost six billion dollars. How is such a thing possible?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThings are significantly more complex in today\u2019s financial world,\u201d a senior partner condescended with a sneer that quickly vanished when Morgan punched him in the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNonsense!\u201d he boomed. \u201cGood business is good business. Railroads, steel, newspapers\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGod help us,\u201d one of the partners muttered under his breath, and another chuckled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMay He help you indeed!\u201d Morgan grinned, grabbing them by the hair and conking their heads together. \u201cPerhaps I expressed myself poorly. What I mean are the fundamentals of investing\u2014capitalizing a well-researched asset with the expectation of appreciation,\u201d he set fire to one of his Havana Hercules Club <\/em>cigars. \u201cAt as little risk as possible, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The men tried to stifle laughter. \u201cThere\u2019s no smoking in here,\u201d one told Morgan, who promptly stubbed out his cigar in his face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe goal is always to find undervalued assets,\u201d Morgan argued, \u201cand give them what they need to grow. I funded the purchase of the New York Times when it was floundering\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFucking Krugman,\u201d they moaned, almost in unison.<\/p>\n\n\n\n